TOO MANY COOKS IN THE WEDDING KITCHEN

Congratulations, you're engaged! Before you even adjust to the lovely little bauble on that all important finger everyone seems to have advice/opinions to share with you. People that you haven't seen or spoken to in years start coming out of the woodwork to "help" you plan this milestone in your life. Now don't get me wrong: having people volunteer to help out can be a blessing. However there is a category of help that quickly crosses the line from help to hindrance.

Recently a bride contacted me about her wedding "situation." As soon as she announced her engagement she was overwhelmed with the kindness and generousity of friends and loved ones willing to contribute to this joyeous occassion. From bringing food to the reception, to decorating the church, and even helping to coordinate the big day. All of these offers sound extremely generous, (especially when the bride and groom are paying for the event without financial support from family, and are working with a meager budget) and anyone would LOVE to have help with reducing the tasks and expenses involved, except when they come with big fat strings attached.

One friend even went so far as to offer to coordinate and plan the entire event. When the bride started to talk to her about the details, she was presented with the friend's "vision" for her big day. Now this would have been fine if it was her bestie presenting all of the hopes, thoughts and dreams that had been shared (by the bride to her) throughout the years of their wonderful, beautiful, LONG friendship in the form of a fairy tale wedding. This, however, was quite to the contrary. It was an event that had absolutely NOTHING to do with the likes and tastes of the bride, and as it turns the details, decor, etc were not negotiable. Well I take that back, the bride Was able to choose the color of the table cloths from a list of two (2) choices.

What does one do when people are being so "generous" with, well themselves? You put the brakes on and step away. Not from the wedding, but from all the "cooks in the kitchen." And consult a person that is not emotionally attached to your big day. In the full interest of disclosure: I am NOT coordinating this wedding, my mother-in-law is. She has coordinated and catered many events and is "retired" but the bride is a friend and knows that her wishes will be honored and respected. I did however speak with the bride-to-be on the phone and this is what I told her:

- Remember that it's YOUR DAY! Everyone may have an opinion, but the bottom line is that every part/detail of the day should be a reflection of YOU & your fiance. **side note: do not use this as license for using or exhibiting poor behavior (bridezilla-itis). Think: "Thanks, but no thanks" or just respectfully decline.

- Remove "What do you think about _____?" from your everyday vocabulary when it comes to dealing with people that try to strong arm you into doing/getting/choosing something you don't want. Reserve this for trusted confidants, and the professional vendors you may employ.

- Choose a path, and stick to it. Make up your mind early on as to the elements that are important to you. Set a goal for your event, and try not to deviate from the plan you come up with in the earliest moments of planning. You may need to be flexible with some things: most flowers aren't available in peacock blue, or something might not be available, or within your budget. If you do choose to accept help from (sane) people, present them with option A or option B and let them choose. However, sending out a list asking for volunteers for food, decorations, flowers, etc can easily become a potluck wedding waiting to happen. This is great if your theme is "Church Potluck in the Multi-Purpose Room" rather than "Fantasy Wedding of Your Dreams." Be clear, candid and upfront about setting boundaries. This will help protect the hearts and emotions of all involved and hopefully eliminate un-necessary stress and drama.

- Enlist the help of people that are loyal, but not emotionally attached to your event. By that I mean: do not ask someone to help that wants to live out their ultimate wedding fantasy through you. You will end up with pink poofy sleeves, huge tulle bows and who knows what else?

- Stop trying to please everyone. You CAN'T. You can kill yourself trying.