TOO MANY COOKS IN THE WEDDING KITCHEN

Congratulations, you're engaged! Before you even adjust to the lovely little bauble on that all important finger everyone seems to have advice/opinions to share with you. People that you haven't seen or spoken to in years start coming out of the woodwork to "help" you plan this milestone in your life. Now don't get me wrong: having people volunteer to help out can be a blessing. However there is a category of help that quickly crosses the line from help to hindrance.

Recently a bride contacted me about her wedding "situation." As soon as she announced her engagement she was overwhelmed with the kindness and generousity of friends and loved ones willing to contribute to this joyeous occassion. From bringing food to the reception, to decorating the church, and even helping to coordinate the big day. All of these offers sound extremely generous, (especially when the bride and groom are paying for the event without financial support from family, and are working with a meager budget) and anyone would LOVE to have help with reducing the tasks and expenses involved, except when they come with big fat strings attached.

One friend even went so far as to offer to coordinate and plan the entire event. When the bride started to talk to her about the details, she was presented with the friend's "vision" for her big day. Now this would have been fine if it was her bestie presenting all of the hopes, thoughts and dreams that had been shared (by the bride to her) throughout the years of their wonderful, beautiful, LONG friendship in the form of a fairy tale wedding. This, however, was quite to the contrary. It was an event that had absolutely NOTHING to do with the likes and tastes of the bride, and as it turns the details, decor, etc were not negotiable. Well I take that back, the bride Was able to choose the color of the table cloths from a list of two (2) choices.

What does one do when people are being so "generous" with, well themselves? You put the brakes on and step away. Not from the wedding, but from all the "cooks in the kitchen." And consult a person that is not emotionally attached to your big day. In the full interest of disclosure: I am NOT coordinating this wedding, my mother-in-law is. She has coordinated and catered many events and is "retired" but the bride is a friend and knows that her wishes will be honored and respected. I did however speak with the bride-to-be on the phone and this is what I told her:

- Remember that it's YOUR DAY! Everyone may have an opinion, but the bottom line is that every part/detail of the day should be a reflection of YOU & your fiance. **side note: do not use this as license for using or exhibiting poor behavior (bridezilla-itis). Think: "Thanks, but no thanks" or just respectfully decline.

- Remove "What do you think about _____?" from your everyday vocabulary when it comes to dealing with people that try to strong arm you into doing/getting/choosing something you don't want. Reserve this for trusted confidants, and the professional vendors you may employ.

- Choose a path, and stick to it. Make up your mind early on as to the elements that are important to you. Set a goal for your event, and try not to deviate from the plan you come up with in the earliest moments of planning. You may need to be flexible with some things: most flowers aren't available in peacock blue, or something might not be available, or within your budget. If you do choose to accept help from (sane) people, present them with option A or option B and let them choose. However, sending out a list asking for volunteers for food, decorations, flowers, etc can easily become a potluck wedding waiting to happen. This is great if your theme is "Church Potluck in the Multi-Purpose Room" rather than "Fantasy Wedding of Your Dreams." Be clear, candid and upfront about setting boundaries. This will help protect the hearts and emotions of all involved and hopefully eliminate un-necessary stress and drama.

- Enlist the help of people that are loyal, but not emotionally attached to your event. By that I mean: do not ask someone to help that wants to live out their ultimate wedding fantasy through you. You will end up with pink poofy sleeves, huge tulle bows and who knows what else?

- Stop trying to please everyone. You CAN'T. You can kill yourself trying.

Creative Encouragement: SMASHING THE WEDDING BOX

SMASH THAT WEDDING BOX!

When ever I start working with a new couple I try to help them find a way to plan the wedding of their dreams. There really isn't a manual or a formula that can be followed to acheive this, and make it truely personal. It's really a combination of several different things like: listening, observation, intuition, mind-reading (well not really, but it seems like it some times) creativity, and fearlessness. Yes I said it: FEARLESSNESS. Being willing to buck the "trend" that is being sold to engaged couples, at a huge premium, takes a lot of guts. If you really wanna WOW your guests, and have a blast on your BIG day: BE CREATIVE & BE YOURSELF. Well maybe not your yoga pant, tee shirt wearing self (unless you are having your wedding during a yoga retreat: totally fun and personal), but the very best version of the life living, fun loving, energetic, fun self that you are.

Use the "KISS" method: "Keep it simple stupid." Simplify your thinking, a wedding is just a big party (with a very important life altering ceremony thrown into the mix). Make sure that this is the best party that you have ever been to. The party of your dreams. Every aspect of your wedding, from invitations, to get-away car should represent YOU! Your likes, hobbies, and lives should be so evident during your day that the guests have no choice but to learn something new, or at the very least see you throughout every part of the day. Trust me, your guests will be saying, "that was the best, and most personal wedding we have ever been to!"

Personal doesn't always = expensive! My clients are often shocked to find out that having a wedding that they actually want to go to doesn't have to break the bank. I don't believe that you need to be on the verge of bankruptcy by the time you get down the aisle for your wedding to be considered a success. If you can unlock and release your mind from that pre-packaged wedding concept, or the wedding that you think you are supposed to have, you may actually surprise yourself and end up with the wedding that you always wanted.

HIRE HELP! Alright here it comes, the shameless plug for services you don't think you want or need...But the reality is, hiring a professional to help handle the planning process can actually SAVE you money, and not to mention stress and headaches. The goal of planning a wedding is to actually GET MARRIED! Surprise, I know, but how many couples do you know that almost didn't make it through to the actual event because the stress of planning was too much to bear? You LOVE eachother now, and want to love eachother as much, if not more when you get down the aisle. AS for the whole money thing: a good event planner will save you time, energy and money. As a rule I try to save my clients money in other areas so that my fees don't totally KILL the wedding budget. Sometimes it takes me giving them affordable options that more than meet their expectations, and are necessarily something they would have thought of on their own.

HAVE FUN! To restate the obvious and recap a portion of the previous paragraph, have fun during the process. The six months, year or whatever leading up to the wedding is the time you will remember more vividly than the wedding day itself. Sad but true. The wedding day is a blur of chaos, exstacy, and fun. The details of which you will have to piece together through photographs, video, and guest commentary. But the pre-wedding drama will be gleamingly clear if it exists. So make sure that you do everything you can to take care of yourself and your relationship. Everything you do should reinforce the love you feel for your fiance. A fun and peaceful planning process will help to strengthen the foundation of your married relationship, helping you to weather life's storms should they come.

Post Wedding Blues

I posted this on the Broke-Ass Bride's blog, and thought it would be helpful to post it here too.


Just call it Post-Planning Depression. The post-wedding let down is always difficult, but it happens to just about every bride. Putting your heart, soul and every waking hour into making sure your big day is picture perfect in every way can take it's toll. After all is said and done (within the blink of an eye practically) you need something else to focus that energy and passion on, but what?

This is why so many brides feel such a strong urge to start planning weddings on a "professional" level. Don't feel the urge to take up the cause? Instead, might I suggest focusing your energy on planning a post-wedding surprise for your new hubby, or a night out with the girls to reconnect now that your status has gone from: "single, but committed" to: "married, and off the market." The important thing is to give yourself something attainable to aim for. How about setting a goal for sending out all those thank you cards, or finding a home for all the new gifts, gadgets, and gizmos you received? Be realistic! Sending out 100 thank you notes is a daunting task: write out 5 thank you's per day, this way you feel a sense of accomplishment, and are more inclined to actually take up the task.

Rest assured the post-wedding blues will pass. But until they do, don't be too hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. This too shall pass.